Fear Life, Live for Death
by XtremeHardyz107
Summary: How Can a simple breakup, ruin not only one person's life, but another person's life as well. *FINISHED* PLEASE R/R!!
1. Whats It Like?

Note: I don't own WWE, or anything about it. The only thing I own in this story is Jessi, and the story is told in her POV. Also later in the story a guy named BB shows up, I don't own him either credit goes to my friend Kathey. Thanks for letting me use him.  
  
Fear Life, Live for Death  
  
What's it like?  
  
What do you think of when you hear WWE Diva? I can probably name ten thousand different things you might say. Sure some of those things might be the entire truth, but I bet the majority of it is nothing but a big fantasy dream you think the WWE is. My life is anything but perfect, it hasn't been perfect for close to ten years. I got by, hating my parents for a good part of those ten years. Than it happened, my whole life changed from nothing, to something. I got the contract, the contract most people only dream about. Why did they give it to me? Why did they let me sign my name on that line..it changed my entire life, for the better and for the worse. The last few weeks of my life have been the worst, I think, my relationship is breaking down. Tearing into little pieces, I can't help but wonder when the time is going to come, when Matt tells me it's through. I know one of these days it's coming, but I just wish I knew when. I can feel life slipping away, it's falling through my fingers just like it did before. I tried to push those feelings away, the same ones that almost ended my life.  
  
I try to smile when Matt walks up to me. I had a tag match with him tonight, so I figured thats all he wanted to talk about. "Hey Matt." I try to sound as cheery as I can. "Uh Hey Jess..Can we talk?" these words coming from him cut through me. The tone in his voice made my heart drop. "Sure." I nod, trying to still hope for the best, trying to convince myself that he's not going to dump me, and that he's not going to just kick me off to the side like he had done with Lita. He leads me into a locker room, and I sit slowly on a chair across from the chair that he was sitting in. "So whats up? Nothing to important I hope.." I say, before closing my eyes for a moment.  
  
I feel a headache coming on, but thats the farthest thing from my mind. I open them quickly when Matt starts to talk again, "Actually it is, Jessi I have something to tell you." I look into his eyes, the same eyes that stared coldly down at me when he beat me. Told me I was his, and no one else's. Thankfully he had finally stopped, he had finally stopped telling me he owned me and he had finally stopped beating me. I almost knew why he had, but again I pushed those thoughts out of my mind. "Yea Matt?..What is it?" I can see him take a deep breath, I know whats coming before he even speaks, "Jessi, I've been seeing someone for a couple of months."  
  
I close my eyes again, I knew thats why he had stopped, stopped beating me. A couple of months? Thats when he had stopped beating me, stopped telling me those awful things. I put my head in my hands trying to think of something, anything that would make the situation better. I couldn't though, I just stared at the floor through my hands. "The match is still on though, if thats whats troubling you." I wanted to scream after he said that. He just broke my heart, and he asks me if I'm worried about the stupid match? Fuck the match, it's the farthest thing from my mind right now. He was my last thread to reality, the last real piece of my life, and he just severed the bond. What was I going to do? Was my life really that great to begin with? I think back in a few seconds to the time when I was truly happy, not with Matt but with my real friends. Is life worth living for?..when you don't have anything? 


	2. When Will It Come For Me?

Fear Life, Live for Death  
  
When Will It Come For Me?  
  
I'm still looking down at the floor, the words hurt me more than any hand he could lay on me. It wasn't his fault, I guess really it was mine wasn't it? For not telling him what was going on with me, and for not telling anyone what was going on with me. Just like before, I hadn't told anyone why I was acting differently, just simply kept it to myself. I almost died from doing that, almost killed myself. No that didn't happen though, my friends pulled me back to reality, and I got better. For awhile at least.This time it would be different though, my friends have abandoned me and there is no one to pull me back this time. I'm going to die, I know this but the question for me is when is it going to happen. When is death going to take me? I thought it would have been before, but that didn't happen. Will it be this time? Will I go through with it? I slowly start to get up, not even looking at Matt throughout the process. I can't look at him, I know what he would say, He would say he was sorry and that it wasn't my fault. But I knew differently, it was my fault. My entire life's problems were my fault and no one else can tell me otherwise. I walk across the room, trying to get out of the locker room. It seemed to take eternity to get there, but finally I make it to the door. Opening it slowly, I walk out of the room leaving a probably happy Matt. He got rid of me, and took on another to do the same with. I was nothing to him and he was everything to me. It didn't matter now though, I was nothing to anyone and I knew it would stay that way. I look around sadly as I walk down the hall. I pull the sleeve of my shirt up a little bit, looking at the many scars on my arm. Reality check I called them, everyone else said I had a problem for doing it. And everyone thought they knew what was best for me, when they tried to fix the problems they always just made things worse. I wish people would understand, get it through their heads, that they can't fix other peoples problems. Only make them better for a little while. Eventually the problems come right back and knock you on your ass harder than ever. I learned that a long time ago, and thats why I try not to take help from other people. I look up when I bump into a smiling Brad. Everyone else always just called him BB, but I on the other hand call him Spikey, ever since I met him. He always seemed to be happy, guess that must be a good feeling. "Oops Sorry Spikey, wasn't watching I guess." My voice sounded sad, I knew this without even thinking. I wasn't sure if he could tell, but I'm almost positive he would be able to tell. "S'ok Jess..hey whats wrong? Did something happen?" I actually thought about not even telling him, just shaking my head and keep on walking. But I didn't, he had always been nice to me and I always was nice to him. I always told him everything, well almost everything. "Yeah..Matt dumped me. Said he had been seeing some other person for awhile.." I looked down feeling kind of odd telling him that, but that quickly died when I felt him wrap his arms around me. He held me for a moment, before finally saying something. "Maybe it's for the better you know?" I didn't understand any word of that, but right now I didn't want to talk to anyone. I just simply nod. "Thanks Spikey, I-I gotta go get ready for my match. Maybe I'll see you around.." I pull away from him, almost not wanting to yet still pulling away and walking on down the hall. Maybe being a Diva has it's good points, great friends you can count on, but is that all my life is? Counting on others to console me..if thats the truth than what kind of a lie am I living? 


	3. What Do Dreams Really Mean?

Fear Life, Live for Death  
  
What Do Dreams Really Mean?  
  
What do you do when life becomes nothing more than you walking on the Earth? Would you fix it, make it better..I'm sure some of you would do just that. Or maybe you would just wait, wait for things to get better. But how many of you would just end it..end your entire life in a spilt second. Would you do it? Or could you do it? The match with Matt was a complete flop, Jamie Noble and Nidia kicked our asses good. Any other time Matt and I would have dominated, won over them, but now? That seems impossible after what he told me earlier in his locker room. I went up the ramp, not with Matt, but beside Matt. I mean nothing more to him than a partner for the match. Nothing more than that?..how can that be possible when the week before I thought I was everything to him. I was completely off, I haven't meant anything to him since he started seeing someone else.Whoever it is, will be kicked off to the side just like me, and just like Lita. I could feel Matt looking at me, watching me as I walked in front of him and down the hall. I closed my eyes trying to get him off my mind, and trying to get the feeling of him watching me out of my mind. I yawn, as I head into my locker room. I don't remember that my locker room was the same as Matt's until I walk into the locker room. He followed me in, and locked the door behind him. I whirl around, and look at him. "M-Matt? What do you want? You said-" I bite my lip, backing up a little bit as he starts to come forward towards me. This is all to familiar to me. I close my eyes when I feel my back hit the hard concrete wall. "Matt..stop. Please? I'll leave you alone, you and whoever it is your with now. I promise.." he shakes his head, and I open my eyes when he touched the side of my face. "Shh Jess..you remember this don't you? I didn't mean what I said before.."  
  
I didn't think about what I said, just blurted out the first thing that came to mind, "You can't just make up that you've been cheating on me!" There is a stinging on the side of my face, Matt had slapped me hard, I wanted to cry out to do anything to make him stop. I knew if I tried he would only make it worse. I can feel tears welling up in my eyes, a close my eyes tightly trying to block out what Matt was doing I jerk forward when I feel someone tap me lightly on the shoulder. It was to gentle to be Matt and I looked around. BB was standing above me, smiling softly. "Spikey?..where am I? What happened?" I can hear him laugh a little "You fell asleep silly, you must have been more worn out from that match with Noble and Nidia than you thought huh?" I nod a little, and look around again. I sigh when I realize that what had happened with Matt was just in my mind, and was just a dream. "You ok Jessi? You have some kind of a dream or something?" I run my hand through my hair quickly before shaking my head. "No no..I'm ok. Still thinking about Matt I guess.." I stand up and grab my stuff walking out of the locker room with BB. When you have dreams that seem more real than reality itself, what do you do? Tell someone? Try to figure the meaning out? What if you already know the meaning..than what?It all points back to telling someone right..thats exactly what I should have done that night. But I didn't, I kept it to myself. Would I ever know if it really was a dream? Maybe not..but one thing is for sure dreams and reality are becoming the same. When that happens there is only one thing to do..end it all. 


	4. I think, Therefore I live? Or should it ...

Fear Life, Live for Death  
  
I think, Therefore I live? Or should it be I think Therefore I die?  
  
How do you know when you think to much? When you get a headache is what I always use to say, and trust me it didn't take long for that to happen. I've found out, as my life starts to get worse, that you know your thinking to much when you figure out questions that you've always wanted answered. But when you figure those questions out, and the answers aren't what you expected than you wish you would have never thought to begin with and stopped when the headache started to come. A week has passed since Matt broke up with me, and whats wrong with me? I'm still trying to figure out why I'm having dreams that seem to be completely real. Some good, some horrible memories of him. What is my body trying to tell me? Is my mind saying that life isn't worth it? Than why am I having dreams about Matt, and not other things. Maybe because thats my only problem, but thats not true, I have so many more problems than that. Some of them people know about, and some of them no one knows about. I sat in my locker room, not actually mine but BB's locker room. I stand up, he wasn't here probably off being happy with someone. Sure wish I could be like that. I walked into the bathroom slowly, pulling up the sleeve of my shirt. I look down at what could be the history of my life. Each scar showing one some kind of problem I faced. I run my fingers slowly over them, and close my eyes. Someone once asked me why I would do that to myself, why would I inflict so much pain to myself. I knew why I did it, a lot of peoples excuses is they don't know why, but I did know why. Life spins out of control sometimes, way to out of control to save it by yourself so you look to your friends. I looked to myself, and finally found a way to pull myself back in line without any one's help. Cutting myself was just a lesson that taught me to stay in line, and stick to one thing. If I didn't than my life would spin out of control again, and than I would just end up cutting myself again. How many people do I tell this to, not many at all. I keep a lot to myself, it just seems to limit the amount of things the fuck up my life. I look down at my arm again, this time with more of a purpose. There was a razor blade in the bag I brought into the bathroom with me. I looked at it, and began to cut my arm, slowly right above my wrist. The blood starts to come from the wound before I even finish cutting the width of my arm. I let the blade drop and watch as the blood comes from the wound faster now. It runs down my arm and drops into the floor, not nearly enough to puddle. I jump a little when I hear BB call my name, not sure if I was in the locker room or not. "I'm in the Bathroom I'll be out in a minute!" I clean up my wrist and bandage up the cut quickly pulling down my sleeve to hide the cut. I throw the razor blade away and grab my bag, I walk back into the main part of the locker room, where BB is, "Hey sorry..I was putting my contacts in." I point to my eyes quickly, showing him my eyes, which clearly had contacts on them because of their unusual color, Red. He nods a little, "Oh thats ok I just wanted to see if you were in here or not.." He looked as if he wanted to say something else, but stopped in the middle of what he was saying when he saw that I looked like I was going to say something. I stutter a little, I wanted to tell him everything but I didn't. "Jessi? You gonna say something?" I quickly shake my head before I change my mind. "Come on whats been up with you lately? First you shut yourself out from everyone but a few people now you won't even talk to me? Something been going on?" I close my eyes for a moment, why the hell did he have to be so damn smart. There was something terrible wrong with my but I couldn't just tell him. "No of course not. I'm ok..Like I said The whole thing with Matt is still bugging me..it's only been a week you know." A week, yeah thats what it was to everyone else, but to me it was like he had just told me the night before. Each night I dream about him, the dream never the same. I sigh, when BB puts his arms around me again, I lay my head on his shoulder and relax. He makes me feel like I felt when I was with Matt. But like Matt and every other guy that ever made me feel that way, they always hurt me. In some way weather it be physical or emotional they hurt me. Some famous Greek dude once said I think therefore I live. But all living things go through that same thing. They're born, they grown than they die. So what do you think the real saying should be, I think therefore I live, or I think Therefore I grow. I always think, but I'm constantly thinking weather I should live or die. Maybe the saying really should be I think therefore I die. 


	5. Is Love Really Something To Stay Alive F...

Fear Life, Live For Death  
  
Is Love Really Something To Stay Alive For?  
  
The first time you fall in love is the best right? You think you've found the one person that you want to spend the rest of your life with. Wrong, hardly ever do you stay with that first person the rest of your life. It would be great if it would have worked that way for me, but it didn't, and I wouldn't be like this today if I actually had that one love. Tomorrow is my Birthday, and usually I'm excited as hell about it. Why should I get excited about my life being another year older when I don't even want to be here another day. The past couple days, since the last time I cut my wrist, have been ok actually. I haven't cut my wrist again, and I think maybe BB might feel the same way about me. My thoughts always drift back to the other guys I though I loved, or I know I loved but thought they loved me. Can I really go through all that again? But than he's my Best Friend, if he didn't feel the same way and I told him what would that do to our friendship. I think that some of the other superstars might know about what I've been doing to myself. It's just a hunch but people have been acting differently around me. Like the other day I was talking with Shane, and out of the blue he asked me if I had been doing anything to myself. I can't imagine how he could have found out but I shook my head nonetheless. I don't really think he believed me but he didn't ask me anymore about it. Shane is one of those other crazy people that once you meet you can never get rid of him. You can just never get rid of him, maybe in my case thats a bad thing. If he really does know about what I'm doing than he'll find out one way or another. I know he just wants to make sure I'm ok, but he doesn't know that it won't help if he does that. I just forget about it for now, when the time comes I'll deal with it, If people find out than maybe the only way out is death. A lot of people think that it would be better if someone did find out, than they could fix the problem. Thats not how it works though, not to mention thats especially not how it works in the WWE. I look up quickly when I hear someone knocking on my hotel room door. I stand up slowly, and head to the door. "I'm coming.." I open the door finally, to an awaiting BB. "Oh hey Spikey, Whats up?" I couldn't help but wonder why they had come, maybe Shane had figured it out, and told BB. I really hoped it wasn't that. "Nothing, Oh before I forget, you mind coming to my room for a second? I got ya something." Got me something? Why in the world would he have done that, it doesn't matter to me now I nod a little. "Ok..why did you get me something for anyway?" I ask as I follow him back to his room. "Don't tell me your brain isn't working, it's your Birthday tomorrow remember?" I look over at him, he was of course smiling. I don't think there had been a time where he wasn't smiling. "Oh yea..sorry. My brain's been a little messed up lately as you can see. You didn't have to get me anything, I told you that last year." I could see him nod a little shrug before saying, "I know, but when I saw this I knew you'd love it. So I got it for you." I shake my head as we finally reach his room. He opens the door with his key before stopping me in the doorway. "Wait here.." I nod, and watch as he goes into the room. I swear I could hear barking in the room, but I don't think anything about it. Not until he brought back out a little puppy. I could tell just by looking at it that it was a Pit Bull. Guess that was one of the reasons why he thought it would be perfect for me, ever since I met him I told him about my dog back home. "Aww Spikey it's adorable." I actually smile a little after saying this, when he hold the puppy up, and acts like it's talking. "Ello Jessi, My name is, well actually I don't have a name yet but I hope you'll love me anyway. Woof Woof." I shake my head and hold it once BB hands me it. "Course I'll still love you, but you need a name little guy..How about Niko? That use to be my dogs name till his died. You can be Little Niko." I kiss the little puppy's head before looking back at BB. "So I guess that means you like him?" He asks me, I nod. "Of course I like him..he's adorable. Thanks dude.." I give BB a quick hug, before stepping back. Maybe my life is getting better by itself, and maybe BB isn't like the rest of the guys I fell in love with. Can't be sure yet, but I hope that he isn't. Maybe he's just the thing to pull me out of this rut I call life. But let me ask you this..Is love strong enough to conquer anything? Even Death? Is it strong enough to pull your life back into line and slove all your problems. It wasn't for me anyother time, but hey theres a first time for everything. 


	6. Was I Wrong?

Fear Life, Live for Death  
  
Was I Wrong?  
  
It's been a couple days since BB gave me the little puppy, it's the cutest thing I've ever seen. I'm begining to wish he wouldn't have given me the little guy though. It's cute, but I'm begining to think he gave it to me for nothing. I haven't seen him in almost three days, ever since my Birthday actually. I'm sitting here, completly considering death right about now.The puppy would forget me eventually, he's only known me for a few days. And everyone else, well they already seem to have forgotten me. It bothers me, but thats just the way life is I guess. I've had enough of this shit, people don't care enough to even talk to me than fuck them. Fuck all of them. I don't give a damn about any of them, just like they don't give a damn about me. I can't believe that I actually set myself up to love someone else, how could I be that stupid as to do that again, I'm an idiot. I carry the puppy to my car, and set him in, before I get in myself. I'm completly lost in though as I do this, debating with myself as to wether I should end it all tonight or not. No one would miss me right? I mean thats why they don't give a damn now right? I park my car in the parking lot of the arena, and click my tongue a few times to get the puppy to follow me. I walk slowly, partly because I'm still lost in thought, but more so to make it easier for the puppy to follow me. I head into a locker room, not knowing that it was BB's locker room I went into. To bad he wasn't early that night like me, could have saved me before I made a mistake. I look down, and half smile at the little puppy, he was chasing his tail in a circle. "Don't do that you'll get dizzy." It stopped and looked at me questionly, it sits down and scratched behind its little head.  
  
I got up and looked through my bag for something, ignoring little whining noises coming from the puppy. I sat back down looked down at the floor once again, than looked at my arm. It had numerous cuts that hadn't healed yet, and scars that were to big in number to count. I ran the razor blade in my hand over my arm lightly, never putting enough pressure on it to actually cut into my skin. Put all that changed when I finally cut into my arm, for the first time in awhile I cut deep enough to have myself die from the bleeding. I cried out a little, whimpering in pain as I watched the blood almost pour from the wound. It ran down her hand, and than into the floor. I watched it almost facinated with the fact that a cut that small could produce that much blood. Was this a mistake?..should I go get help, tell everyone that I had been cutting myself, that I tried to commit suicide. No I couldn't do that, Life would be worse in that case. They would send me away, tell me I was crazy and there was something wrong with me. They would lock me up until they thought I was better, when in reality once you do this to yourself you never get better. The feeling sticks with you all the time, it never leaves you. It just takes the right things to make the feeling come back enough to actually start cutting yourself again. If those stupid people in those places understood that they would keep you locked up forever. Maybe it's better they don't understand that. I almost colapse now, I've lost a lot of blood and I know it. It's going to end today, everythings going to go black soon. My eyes half close, but I can hear the puppy scratching at the door. After a few moments I can hear the door open. The door open?! Who could be coming in here..must be someone wanting to let the puppy out. But that'll mess everything up. I want to die now, and now someone's going to save me before I can die. Why? The blood is to much, and I'm barely awake, maybe they'll think I won't make it. I can feel someone pick me up, and lay me in their lap, but than I hear something thats unexpected, BB's voice? Was it really him? "Jessi wake up, Please god wake up. Don't leave me..Don't leave me. I love you..Jessi I..I love you.." Did I hear him right? Was I wrong about him..? I think I may have made the biggest mistake of my life now. Someone loves me and I can't tell them how I feel..I can't tell him I love him too. "I..I love..you..too.." I weakly manage to say, thank god I was able to tell him. God don't let me die now..please don't let this be the end. What was I thinking when I did this? I was wrong in some many things..Wrong about wanting to die, and wrong about BB not caring. 


	7. Is Everything Over?

Fear Life, Live for Death  
  
Is Everything Really Over?  
  
When you decide your life is over, is there always something you want to go back for? Are there always little voice in your head, or little voices that you can barely even hear calling for you to come back. But what do you do? To you anwser the callings and wake up? Would you come back for what little life you have and rebuild on it, I didn't think I would, but I want to. All I can hear now are doctors, doctors and BB's voice pleading with the doctors to help me. The doctors just keep telling him the same thing over and over. You'd think he would just accept it, and wait. Wait for me to die, or wait for me to wake up. Either way thats the only choice he has, is to wait. In the back of my mind all I can do is think over what I've done. My body won't wake up and it won't die. I don't want it to die, but if all I can do is think about what I've done, than maybe it's a better thing to die. Some of the voices I'm hearing fade, the doctors most likely, now all I hear is BB's soft voice. I can't tell exactly what he's saying but I know it's got to be something only he could come up with. I'm trying desperatly to wake up, all I want to do is talk to him. Even a few words would be enough. So why can't my body let me have those few words, even if I die I would rather have those words. I've done the unthinkable to most people, I've tried to commit suicide, and most likely it will become commiting suicide because in the back of my mind I know that I'm not getting through this. I don't think BB's got it through his head yet, that I'm not gonna make it. But maybe thats good, maybe he had enough power in him to bring me out of this. To pull me out of the slight coma I'm in. His words are getting more understandable, does that mean I'm waking up? God please let me be waking up even if it is just for a few minutes. "Jessi..Please wake up. Don't leave me now, I'm sorry I waited so long to tell you, but please don't leave me now. I love you more than anything." This is the first clear thing I can hear from him, I don't open my eyes yet, not having enough strength to do so. "Spikey.." I say softly, not sure he can even hear me. But my question is quickly anwsered when he says something, I know he can hear me now, "Jess your awake, thank god your gonna be alright.." I finally open my eyes, and look weakly at him. For the first time in my life I see him unhappy, he wasn't smiling at all. He'd actually look like he'd been crying. Crying for me? No one's ever cried for me..maybe I really would give anything to stay ok for him. I don't want to lose someone that cares enough about me to cry for me."Spikey..Don't, say that. I-I don't think I'm gonna make it. I barely just woke up.." I close my eyes again, not meaning to but still closing my eyes. "Jess? Don't go now..your gonna be ok. You said you love me, I love you too! Don't go now..please stay with me." I can feel him take my hand, as if to make me hold onto life. "Love you Spikey..forever.." I can't feel anything else, can't hear anything else, and everything goes black. My mind, My sight, My Everything.. 


End file.
